This guy is an honorary Fight Club member, right up there with Billy Barty. This is one of the funniest blogs I've ever read. Here's some tidbits.
Six weeks ago facing the one year anniversary of the last time I touched a girl I, out of both desperation and a momentary lapse of judgment, put down my $19.95 and jumped into the internet dating scene. Let this be a lesson to everyone reading; never try an Internet dating site. For those of you who don't listen to my warning here is a little advice. If she looks like a model, it's a porn site trying to get you to check out a page so they can send you enough junk e-mail to sink a battle ship. If she doesn't look half-bad, it's an old photo before the accident or the Ding Dongs reduced her life to meeting tubby computer geeks with no social skills over the internet.
Their thinking is the same as yours, "I'll rope them in to liking the real me, than when he/she sees my grotesque Jaba the Hut exterior it won't matter because they love the real me."
Truth is you don't want someone like that any more than they want you. You'll have to forgive me; currently I'm a unique combination of bitter, drunk, and lonely. I'm also getting ahead of myself.
A woman who looks lost is walking toward me. She looks like she could be the shorter fatter sister of the slightly less than average looking woman I am waiting for.
"Are you Mike?" Oh shit, it's not the sister.
"Darla?" She smiles but I can tell she's disappointed. She undoubtedly went through dozens of pictures to find the one that made her look a little closer to human than the oily husk she parades around in, as did I. After two appetizers and a few drinks she goes to, "Powder her nose" and never returns. Someone Kill me.
Progress LogThe following statistics apply to everything that has happened to me since the creation of this site, February 2003.
number of people I have had sex with (Not counting myself)
number of women who have submitted requests for sex
number of those to result in sex
number of those to turn out to be a 13-year-old punk kid who sent me a computer virus.
number of men pretending to be women who've submitted requests for sex
number of women in other countries who've made "offers"
number of nude photos sent to my e-mail / P.O. box
number of people to suggest I go on "Queer eye for the strait guy"
total amount I've paid to keep this site up (bandwidth, virus software, hosting, ect.)
total amount of money donated
Why the hell would you eat brownies sent to you by a stranger?
Yes, I was an idiot to eat the brownies but look at it for a moment from my point of veiw. I have a hand written (extremely feminine) letter that smells slightly of perfume telling me the story about a girl who had really bad acne in highschool and who can relate to my story. She is poor as well and can't donate any money but wanted to do something nice for me, so she made me some brownies.
Why would I immediatly think anyone would want to poison me? I haven't done anything wrong to anyone. Who would get so worked up about my site as to send me chocolate ExLax? And I couldn't taste it! I had a brownie, it tasted good. I had another, still good. I think I had four total before I started to feel sick. They were small though, I'm not that much of a pig.
The next thing I know I'm giving birth to the antichrist.